From Comparison to Purpose

Thief of joy.

I won’t even ask you how many times you have heard that comparison is the thief of joy. I’m assuming if you’re reading this article you likely have struggled at some point with the art of comparing yourself to another woman, and you have heard it all.

The first time I ever struggled with comparison was in December of 2023 and God has since removed it from my life, hallelujah! At the time, though, I was confused on what was happening to me. I had never struggled like this before although I had heard plenty of women give light to this internal battle. It would strike out of nowhere at various intensities and for different reasons, though the reasons ultimately boiled down to specifics that I eventually was able to put my finger on by the grace of God.

Now I’m not talking about simple material envy here. I am talking about the feeling that takes over subconsciously and so truly outside of our own control. It highjacks your mind and body when you see a woman who looks like she has it all and your Central Nervous System immediately alerts you of a threat.

The Problem:

The journey that followed was one of depth and commitment. Countless prayers, anxiety, and frustration over the confusion on why I couldn’t make these feelings stop. Why was I seeing these women through this lens? Why was I feeling so insecure? All I could pinpoint at the time was that they had started after someone I cared about had deeply betrayed me. From then on, I was wrapped in a blanket of not being able to see myself or other women clearly. Ultimately, it was fear.

It affected my marriage. It made me bitter. I was fearful of going places where I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I couldn’t attend dinner without watching my back for my own insecurities. I was safe at home! I was me at home! But I couldn’t leave the house or turn on the TV without thinking me was not enough.

Where was this coming from?! If you know me at all, I have never struggled with confidence. I am a trailblazer of sorts, I am thankfully so blessed by God with many gifts, I am a leader, and I love so hard, I compliment people everywhere I go, and my drive is to build everyone up. I LOVE to make people feel loved.

During this time I couldn’t build anyone up. I was like a cornered cat, hissing at the beautiful women around me with personalities that glimmered before me. Walmart, Outback, Church, even my own friends. What was happening?! I was idolizing them, of course, like how we see models on Instagram and our thought is “I’ll never be like that.” Many women struggle with this, but this was my first time having these thoughts! I felt helpless! Who wants to live that way? The weight was unbearable.

I needed help. I needed Jesus.

How Jesus Freed Me

My first line of defense is always prayer. Consistent, fervent, honest prayer. But I was already doing this! I stayed away from the mentality of “God, why aren’t You moving?” which can take you to a dangerous place (don’t go there, sister). I was discouraged in the recurrence but I continued to seek the help I needed for my new problem of comparison.

I attended Youtube University, as my best friend calls it! I did a deep dive and spent a culmination of months listening to women share their struggle and thoughts and journey and answers. I listened to doctors of psychology and even read some research papers (I am a closet nerd). I’d gather a little advice here and there but it only ever added up to knowledge. Never change.

“Nobody can make you feel intimidated, you have to give them consent to do that!”

That one didn’t help too much, as I felt completely out of control on this one.

“Work on your self esteem!”

Thank you for the advice, but I esteem myself pretty well as far as I’m concerned. I love myself a very appropriate amount and I don’t think I need improvement there.

“You are unique! You’re above comparing yourself to someone else!”

Again, wasn’t my cup of medicine because I felt like these women had my best “unique” qualities on steroids and it smelled of threat to me. Pretty girl? Threat. Funny girl? Threat. Smart girl? Threat. On fire for Jesus? Threat! Excuse me!? What was going on?! I couldn’t stop being triggered, these feelings of inferiority were driving me nuts, and realizing my uniqueness was not quite helpful in this scenario.

I needed more. I was sick. I needed help STAT. Not another day could go by of the damage this was doing.

I did what any other desperate Christian would do.

Fast.

There is no better way to call on the Lord and empty yourself of something.

How God Moved Through My Fast

I set out to petition for help through a fast on a Sunday, ready to fast for the entire week. The first day, I was hungry for God and had faith in obeying Him by fasting. I went to a coffee shop with my Bible and journal (as I often do) and set out to understand how God was going to fix this sickness growing in me.

I was reading my Bible and began to pray. I lifted up my concern in the most request-of-forgiveness way I could muster and expected an answer. The Lord asked me some questions to start.

“What are you afraid of?”

Well, to be honest, Lord, I’m afraid of losing my husband to another woman HE thinks is better than me. I’m ruled by this new fear of abandonment.

“I will never leave you.” He said in that thought of mine way that I knew was not my own (I have learned through the years to identify His voice).

Immediately, I was no longer concerned of being left. I felt His presence and a hunger for Him. I knew in my heart that He had taken something from me. He had soothed my irrational fear (I have come to know my husband as an incredibly faithful man) in one fact: What matters is that I will never be alone even if my husband left me. What can my husband give me that is better than what God can give me? What can I suffer that is worse than not having God? I allowed this to comfort me in a way that took front stage in my Central Nervous System. I was no longer concerned with my husband leaving me because what can humans scare me with? What loss is truly great? That’s not to say I do not love my husband very dearly forever. But I let go.

“What else are you afraid of, Daughter?” He asked.

I sat and thought. And suddenly I was willing to admit and wrote in pretty letters across my page in front of me on the table that I wanted to be the best in the room (in my husband’s eyes specifically). I wanted the spotlight. I didn’t want to have to fight for it. I wanted to be praised and loved and seen as the best.

And immediately I knew. How horrible of me! God thundered with authority back to me in a loving way, “Who are you to be the best? Nobody is better or worse. Everyone is equal.”

And again, immediately, something released in me. I knew what to ask forgiveness for. I knew what to confess so that I may be healed (James 5:16). I had realized my perspective was warped. I was subconsciously attempting to lift my importance out of pride. I deserved that right? Well, I was wrong all along -nobody deserves a seat on the throne but Jesus. How ugly of me, I thought. I hadn’t even known I was thinking this way underneath it all, and for a moment I was ashamed. But then, I was also relieved. Jesus forgave me.

I looked around the coffee shop and saw all the beautiful women around me (I have always found everyone to be so beautiful). I smiled as I saw them. I exhaled. I felt a peace. Let them shine, I thought. These were God’s creations after all!

But God wasn’t done teaching me that day. And further yet, God drew me closer still.

He led me to the story of King Saul and David. David was a shepard boy turned battle-slayer with something special about him and he ended up taking the throne as king down the road a little. Prior to this, though, Saul was king of the land; and his son, Jonathon, was… you guessed it, the son of the king.

You would think that as a son of the king Jonathon would be potentially but eagerly anticipating a very special career to be inherited in the future. And yet, when future-king-David’s life is endangered by current-King Saul’s desire to eliminate him, son-of-the-king Jonathon acts unexpectedly. He is a true friend to David. He is a godly friend.

Jonathon loved David. He wanted David to get out alive, succeed, prosper. He saved David’s life at cost to his own comfort and safety. He built David up. Jonathon was the perfect picture of who we can be.

Unthreatened.

Jonathon was the furthest thing from bitter or threatened by David! He was an astonishing example of God’s calling for us to act in brotherly love.

How did Jonathon muster this?

Jonathon was locked into his purpose. He knew who God called him to be in that moment. He was content as son of the King and he didn’t push for more. He had peace with what God appointed him to.

And that. That was where the tension dissolved for me. I was able to ask myself, “where has God called me? What has He gifted me with? Who am I to Him?”

And the thoughts flowed over me.

I am brave, I am a lightbringer, I am a creator. All thing things God wanted me to know about myself, He told me.

And I hold onto this when that feeling flares. And now that it has flared it’s tempting flare a few times since then, the flare is dimmer than my flare. God restored in me the faith I know He has in me. He restored in me the power of who He made me to be. He restored in me a peace that I truly cannot measure my assignment to someone else’s appointment.

Ultimately, the advice from Youtube was right. But it was missing Jesus, so it wasn’t fulfilling. I needed God to walk me through every step to believing in how He sees me. He made me over! He awakened me!

And the best part is, He has things to say to you, too.

Who are you to God? What has He asked you to do in this life?

Let His love wash over you as you answer those questions. I pray you’ll open your eyes to His truth and that comparison will die slowly in your heart as He awakens you to your anointment.

Read Ephesians 4:1-16.

To God be the glory, forever, and ever, Amen.