Defeating Control
A recent lesson I learned about what it means to let go of control
Who is at risk?
As a wife, have you ever caught yourself in the tracks of making demands from your spouse that simply might not be walking in a way that makes you feel comfortable and safe in the marriage?
I never really stopped to think about whether I was a controlling person. It never occurred to me to ask myself that. I never really looked much into what that even looks like. I realized the true meaning of control in a relationship was a lot more complicated than the type of control that I am about to speak on.
The control I’d like to dive into is a control that happens to stem from the simplicity of just wanting to feel safe.
As wives, security is one of our number one needs in life. We marry and we expect protection and safety from a spouse. Whether that takes the form of him saving you from crazy strangers or making you feel comfortable living in a home that might not be in the safest area, it can take many forms.
Physical safety is one thing, and emotional safety is another completely separate thing. Since God has built my testimony in this area, I have learned much. The first aspect I want to dive into is the ways we try as wives to make ourselves feel safe.
We can make requests that rub our husbands the wrong way. Maybe to us it seems standard to ask where someone is going, or to ask that they don’t engage in flirting, or to ask that they try to start doing this or that, who knows what. Truly the list goes on. Maybe we want something from them that makes us feel a little more safe. At the root of it, that’s not the worst thing to ask for in my personal opinion, and I have a lot of opinions on relationships and marriages.
In a marriage, I believe it’s our duty to help the other spouse feel secure and safe. Maybe as women we excel at this a little more. Personally, when I get asked on a date, I like to tell my husband about how I reacted so that he knows I show no interest at all in another person.
Personally, I refrain from a plethora of movies to keep my heart pure.
Whatever your personal boundary, your personal belief, it is quite possible that it simply does not line up with what your husband wants to do with his life. Maybe his faith is different, maybe it’s not as straight of a line, maybe he isn’t there yet, maybe he has been working in other areas of his faith, maybe he didn’t know better, maybe it’s just not one of his strengths. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. We can bear up under our spouse and understand our differences….. without the control.
How do we not control?
Enter Jesus.
God was really good to me and opened my eyes to a new way to see things. He showed me that me grasping for safety and my desperation for my spouse to act in accordance to what made our marriage feel safe and protected was ultimately not my job.
God instead moved in my heart to show me a different way to live.
What we can do instead of grasping for safety, is to let God work within someone as you embrace the strength of allowing someone to show you who they are.
A lot of control is denial.
A lot of control is with good intentions.
You might be requesting some very reasonable things, my friends.
You may be seeking basic safety.
It’s possible.
It’s also possible that you’re smothering your spouse.
Ultimately what it comes down to is whether your spouse is willing to do the work. To heal. To hear from the Lord. I truly believe we can get so far into our spouse’s ear that he not only can’t hear from God himself, but he’s probably expecting you to tell him he’s doing something wrong at every turn and not even able to step into his fullness of himself with God.
The moment that God led me to take a HUGE step back, I was among the pain of watching my husband make choices that may have impacted me, but I no longer was grasping at him to make me feel safe.
I put up a barrier of safety from the Lord and instead felt safe in him to let my husband burn his own life if that was so what he wished.
Maybe you need to help your husband crash. I know that sounds awful, but are you saving your husband from his own lessons? Are you saving him from his consequences? What part of you is dependent on him to make good choices?
What part of you can you give back to God?
Which parts of your beautiful self have been neglected by you putting so much energy into trying to make yourself feel safe by controlling his every move?
Sister, let him crash and let GOD save him. As women, we are innate helpers and nurturers at heart. Trust me, the desire to swoop in and save the day is deeply engrained in me.
But I can tell you from our combined testimony that I stepped back and watched my husband make his own choices. Painful at first, but I slowly started to focus my energy on prayer.
God moved in his heart in a miraculous way.
I don’t just mean praying throughout the day or talking to Jesus.. I mean speaking in tongues, on your knees, tears streaming down my face and shouting out to God.
I see you. What your spouse may be doing or participating in is painful. Put up your barrier, protect yourself, stop saving him. God is our Savior.
Jesus is our warrior.
He is fighting for you every day.
Behind the scenes.
And there will be a day when all of those gut-wretching prayers will amount to a heart change in your spouse. I want to inspire you today to know that as my own spouse is a different man made new by Jesus after learning to not be his Savior, and yours can be a new man in the matter of years or even months should you let him work out his own battles with God and not with you. Give it away. Stop caring something that’s too heavy for you to carry. I see you sister. But God knows even deeper than I do.
He will intervene.
God bless you always.
-Mackenzie
I hope this serves a good purpose in your life and brings you closer to the Lord. Follow me on Pinterest so you don’t miss my upcoming posts! Until next time!
-Mackenzie
