How to Respond to Gaslighting as a Christian Spouse
Resource: What Is Christian Marriage PDF — Rise Up Raise Up
Other helpful content:
First of all, for those of us who are not aware, what is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is termed exactly that off of the picturesque example of a woman in a room and the husband turning off the gas lamp without her knowledge, and when she asks if he turns it off, he says he didn’t.
Gaslighting was described to me by my therapist as making someone think they’re crazy.
A quick Google definition of gaslighting: “the practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning.”
Gaslighting comes in so many forms. All of them deceitful. All of them far from the example that Jesus taught us.
But here’s the thing..
Gaslighting can be done unintentionally.
Gaslighting can be a result of the way someone was raised.
Let me give a little insight into how gaslighting can very well be formed.
How someone who Gaslights is created
Imagine a young boy who is in a seemingly volatile upbringing in which his mistakes incur abuse. He left the toilet paper roll unchanged when it was empty? Smacked in the head. He forgot to lock the door when he left in the morning? Punch in the stomach.
For this particular child, admitting the truth was more dangerous than lying. Small lies to escape the consequential truth. Deception was bred out of fear and lying was his safety.
I know someone who experienced something similar to this, and it turned them into an adult who was so afraid of admitting he had messed up due to the shame that had been instilled in him over and over again his entire formative years when making human mistakes. Child-mistakes at that.
The scary part of evading the truth is that the truth starts to evade you.
The lies have to be so strong in order to secure that safety. The child that is forced to lie will start to believe their own lies.
Hope for Gaslighters
Now, before I go on... I just want to make the very bold claim that there is healing in the name of Jesus Christ. I have personally seen this happen. Not just with the one person I know, but when I opened up to another about this specific issue, she as well told me of her own healing. I can’t imagine many have taken this tough road of facing themselves, growing, and choosing to change from the habits such as this that unintentionally made themselves an unsafe person. Unsafe in the sense of the emotional manipulation that ensues in ones personality after decades of experiencing a fear of responsibility.
My point is that these people I know who chose Jesus, who chose to let Him heal them, are some of the most honorable people I have ever met. I cannot imagine what they went through as children, just to find out as an adult that what made them safe as a kid is making the people around them unsafe.
These people had to face themselves.
I just want to preface this entire blog post by the fact that if these people can make that change, there is no reason not to give up hope (with sincere caution) or to stop your desperate prayers for them to change.
I have seen it myself. It is possible. Only in the name of Jesus.
Air on the Side of Caution
While I can honor and respect those valiant choices they made and the miracles that God can work in their hearts, I cannot leave it unsaid that oftentimes a relationship is not a safe place for someone to stay in. Whether physical distance or a breakup (if the situation is outside of marriage, of course), not one of you beautiful children of God deserves to undergo what I myself have experienced in a relationship time after time again when I was unhealed and seeking the wrong kinds of love.
I want to encourage those of you dating, to leave a relationship that is riddled with gaslighting and manipulation and to instead seek your own healing. And for those who are married, I personally want to encourage you to stay married but consider a separation to keep yourself safe and allow your spouse the time to heal from their ways. Every move should be done in prayer and with God’s prompting behind it. I cannot decide what is best for you, but I can say that God does not want you to be in a constant environment of chaos and extreme burden and distress. If you are experiencing the extent of what I have seen, daughter, please seek help.
How to Handle Someone Who Gaslights You (The Christian Example)
For those of you who are on the other side of those desperate prayers, I want to tell you that God is still working and still moving.
The way to respond to gaslighting is as simple as this: recognize it.
Ask yourself: “Is this person trying to make me think I am crazy with what they just said"?” Whether they know it or not, it is time for you to decide whether this person is attempting to manipulate and erode your own self-trust either by by-product of their childhood coping mechanisms, or by a sheer malicious intention. Situations are simply different and the reasons behind such deception varies to degrees of the intent.
I can say that in my case, the person consistently gaslighting me was not aware of what was going on behind the scenes. The manipulation was so deeply rooted inside of who he had been raised into being.
Spoilers: they chose to change. Praise Jesus! Was it linear? No way.
Ungaslight Yourself
In your situation, brother or sister, I want to tell you that after you recognize whether someone is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel crazy, the next step is to understand what you believe.
You need to elevate the value of your own perspective to at least that of equal to theirs.
Validate your own experience.
What did you see?
What did you feel?
What did they say?
What did you say?
Why would anyone ever try to make you think otherwise? Mistakes happen, but repetition says something about someone’s character. NOT YOURS.
You must pay attention to the answers to these questions while you speak, and hold onto it. Do not let someone else tell you, “I never said that,” or “that didn’t happen.” As the Bible says, test everything.
No One Is Immune
These examples tell someone else their reality couldn’t possibly true. These short sentences seem harmless, but used consistently over time, they are dangerous words and I caution you to find another way yourself to explain to someone that your experience is different from theirs lest you not become a gaslighter right back.
Instead, when someone uses these phrases you can kindly decline their desire to change your own memory or perception and instead say something along the lines of “I remember what was said, but I can see we remember it differently,” or “I am not doubting what I saw because I was there and I know this happened.”
Why It’s So Hard
You’ll need to master being able to stand your ground. My guess is that if you didn’t know the extent to which you have been gaslit, you quite possibly have an inclination to change your mind and accept their own recountance as final.
This is not to say that they are always wrong.
It is far better to agree that you guys disagree than to push your point or refuse to apologize. I found it very helpful to lead by example and admit faults often to show that it’s not about being right or wrong, but it is able making sure the other person feels safe and as though the person they are speaking with doesn’t want to unintentionally warp their reality.
My hope is that you can strengthen your ability to see the gaslighting for what it is, and to be able to stand a little more firm in your own reality.
Don’t let someone make you question everything.
I lived far too long being confused and still catch myself gaslighting myself just to check myself and say, “I know that happened,” or “I know what I said.”
I hope that you can strengthen your own self-trust and learn to be an equal in the relationship.
It’s a horrible life to let someone else decide all of the time what history should be rewritten.
Encouragement
Give it time.
Give it prayer.
I have faith that you will see growth in yourself and hopefully in your partner too.
See my other blog posts for advice on how to manage within a relationship that is littered with some very poor ideas of love.
Let me tell my story of how I started to experience true love for the first time at the age of 30 years old after being in countless relationships with men I thought loved me.
The thing is that you have to know what love is in order to be loved.
Do you think gaslighting someone is form of love?
Do you think you could be used by the Lord to help your spouse love better and be loved more fully by someone willing to be the bigger person?
Jesus always chose the high road.
Jesus always led with love.
I pray you’ll find this helpful and stick around for more of the amazing things God taught me through my testimony of going from emotional abuse to being loved fully…by the same person.
God is good and has the power to change any heart.
Let the heart you seek to be softened be softened, and let the work God wants to do be forever blessed in Jesus’ name.
God bless you always.
-Mackenzie
I hope this serves a good purpose in your life and brings you closer to the Lord. Follow me on Pinterest so you don’t miss my upcoming posts! Until next time!
-Mackenzie
